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Chapter 2. Understanding Your Experiences
“ the real victims in ‘missing persons’ cases are often the family and friends” . Learning about the disappearance of a loved one can give rise to a multitude of effects. Like a stone tossed into a pond, the effects can ripple into a number of life domains. As a family member or friend of a missing person, you may experience changes to your health, your employment, your quality of life, your relationships, your finances, and most of all, your mental health. Using the Australian work of Henderson and Henderson each of these areas is explored in turn. However, because this resource is particularly focused on mental health matters, mental health is explored with a degree of detail. If you would like more information, please visit www.missingpersons.org.au Many family members and friends of missing persons experience negative health effects. These are usually a direct consequence of the missing person’s absence. However, some pre-existing conditions may be worsened by the stress associated with the disappearance of a loved one. The health concerns commonly experienced by family members and friends of missing persons are usually symptoms of stress . These include:
Needless to say, these symptoms have a significant impact on the well-being of those who experienced them. However, there may also be long-term health effects that are not immediately apparent. For instance, the stress and trauma often experienced by those with a missing loved one can affect their body’s ability to resist or combat illness and disease. Extended stress can also worsen existing medical conditions or trigger those that have not been diagnosed yet. Another health concern relates to behaviours that place health at risk. Family members and friends of missing persons may have poor eating habits; they may not exercise regularly; they may also use addictive substances, like caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol unsafely. These, in turn, place their health at risk. When a loved one is missing work life can been disrupted. This might be because time off work is taken to search for the missing person, or to deal with the emotional stress of the situation. Yet, even when time off work is not taken, you may still have trouble maintaining your ability to function at work. This is often because it is hard to concentrate. 2.3. Effects on Quality of Life Searching for a missing loved one takes a lot of time, effort, and energy. Evidently, everyday routines are disrupted. Bedtime comes at a later hour; sleep patterns are disturbed; meals are eaten on the run, if at all; time off work is taken; children in the family have time off school; and other family members or friends leave their own routines to baby-sit children, or comfort those who are distressed. Your quality of life may be affected in other ways. You may overlook the emotional needs of other family members; there may be reduced involvement in social and leisure activities; and important celebrations may be missed. In light of the traumatic event that has affected your life it is likely that you will experience relationship changes. There may be more stress and tension in family relationships. This may continue even when the missing person has returned home as there may be a breakdown of trust and a degree of hostility directed toward them. Family members and friends of missing persons also experience financial problems. You may incur costs through your efforts to search for your missing loved one. You may also experience a loss in earnings, health-related costs, legal costs, and property loss or damage. Without doubt, the disappearance of a loved one can affect your mental health . There are changes to both thought processes and emotions. Some of the common changes to thought processes include:
Some of the common changes to emotions include:
Collectively, these responses demonstrate the variety of thought changes and feelings that you may experience. Furthermore, these (and other) reactions may be experienced with different degrees of intensity. In the face of adversity sometimes particular emotions are expected. For instance, we might expect feelings of anxiety, distress, and depression to surface. However, we may not expect to experience other emotions, like relief. Relief and a sense of freedom can emerge when a loved one is missing, particularly when relationships with the missing person were strained before their disappearance. After a long period of chaos, tension, and instability in the relationship the absence of the missing person can provide a sense of relief and peace. And sometimes these feelings give rise to a sense of guilt for feeling this way. It is important to recognise that the disappearance of a loved one gives rise to a wide array of emotions – both negative and positive. These experiences are quite typical among the family members and friends of missing persons. However, the disappearance of a loved one creates a unique situation. There is much confusion about where the missing is and whether they will return. This brings about feelings of uncertainty, doubt, and insecurity. These feelings were described by those who participated in the Henderson and Henderson study: “The survey asked what was considered to be the most difficult part of the whole experience. People often identified the uncertainty, for example, not knowing whether the missing person was safe… not knowing where the person might be… or just ‘not knowing’ generally… Other issues identified included dealing with the emotions generated… and accepting that the missing person had left home… Others mentioned not knowing why the missing person left… feelings of helplessness and not knowing what action to take… the waiting… diverse issues relating to police action (such as waiting for 24 hours) or concerns about whether and when to report the person missing to police… and how to deal with the missing person when located or returned home” . This situation cannot compare with losing a loved one through death. When someone dies family members and friends can attempt to seek closure. They know the whereabouts of their loved one; they can mourn their loss, and they have the opportunity to say goodbye. This is reinforced by conventional social practices. When an individual dies funerals often take place. These rituals are used to mark the event and aid the grieving process for family members and friends. However, when someone has disappeared there is no comparable ritual. The family members and friends may be living in a cloud of doubt not knowing where their loved one is, or if they are safe . Some academics call this disenfranchised grief or ambiguous loss because the loss felt by those left behind is confusing and unclear. The next chapter explores this and other mental health issues often experienced by the family members and friends of missing persons. It also discusses positive ways of coping with unhealthy, negative emotions. Before we proceed though it is worth learning more about the experiences of other people who have been touched by the missing persons phenomenon. Although no two experiences are the same their stories can provide unique insights and understandings of a shared experience. 2.7. The Experiences Of Other Families And Friends of Missing Persons Little compares to the reassurance you feel when you learn that others also share your experiences. There is a sense of sameness – a belief that you are in the same boat as other people. Their stories about a similar experience also offer opportunities to learn – what did they do? How did they manage? Above all, their stories can offer hope. They demonstrate that people can survive the challenges they are faced with, whatever the outcome. This is aptly demonstrated in the stories below, which have been kindly contributed by some family members of missing persons. Although their journeys may have been different to yours, it shows courage, determination, and survival, regardless of how their situations unfolded. The atmosphere was already emotionally charged. A screaming 9-year old boy was accusing his 13-year old brother of hurting him. I was very angry to think that my older boy, Sam, had retaliated against his younger brother’s annoyance, when I had repeatedly advised him to ignore such provocation. It wasn’t long before that an argument developed between my 13-year old son and me. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? He’s only a little kid!” My anger drowned out any sound of protest or justification from my 13-year old son who decided it was time to leave the house and go to my office about a kilometre away. “Where are you going?” I said. “I’m going to get my bag that I left at your office”. “See that you come back straight away,” I demanded. After about an hour, my wife, in a state of anger, decided to go to the office and find out why our teenage son had yet again been disobedient and not returned home. She arrived at our office and demanded to know why his disobedient behaviour was now typical for him. Storming out of the office, our teenage son muttered that he was never coming home and walked off down the lane. His mother was confident that he was bluffing and decided that a walk home in the cool night air would probably do him the world of good, and give us a break too. After an hour we had become very worried as Sam had not returned home. It was a very cold night, but somehow I convinced myself that he had stopped off at a local café. I got in my car and starting searching. There was no Sam. Wild thoughts entered my head. Did he get on a train and head out of town? Did he hitch a ride and was now somewhere up the coast? Should we ring the police? I returned home and instructed my wife to ring all of his friends. By this time it was approaching 10.00 pm at night. My wife and I decided to ring the police who asked for a general description of our son. My wife meticulously rang everyone she could think of, but there was no Sam. Eleven o’clock came and went. Back I got into the car. This time I did a wider circuit involving many suburbs. Still no Sam. My younger children wanted to know where their brother was. Their mother consoled them as best as she could, and sent them to bed. As midnight approached I returned home and instructed my wife to ring the local taxi service. They were extremely helpful, but no one had reported to having seen my son. To ease the anxiety, I got back in the car and commenced driving and searching the deserted streets and shopping centres. I continued until about 3.30 a.m. and when I became exhausted I returned home. I managed to convince my wife that our son was probably staying with some friend and I was sure that he would turn up in the morning. We got to bed at 4.00 a.m. and with the aid of some sleeping tablets, drifted into a very nervous and uncomfortable sleep. Awaking at 6.00 a.m., hopeful that Sam would return, my wife and I busied ourselves with the nervous energy of two highly anxious parents. The police rang again. They wanted a more detailed description. A friend rang and said that Sam would probably try and meet up with some of his school friends that morning. We seized on it. We were so desperate, we would seize on anything. I took my youngest child with me and headed down to Sam’s high school and the nearest train station which was a congregation point. I desperately watched all the children that went to his school until no one was left. At 9.30 a.m. I started back home. My youngest child asked me why we hadn’t picked Sam up. I started to become very upset. For the first time I was losing my emotional control. My stomach was aching with anxiety and I started to adopt a deeper sadness that is not normally part of my emotional experience. I decided to call my mother who I had refrained from calling up until now, but who I knew could give me some emotional support. Arriving home with the bad news that I had not found Sam the family congregated in our sunroom. Looking at everyone standing there was too much. I broke down. It was 10.00 a.m. and my belief that my son would arrive home that morning was shattered. As I stood there sobbing, my children and wife gathered around. Somehow we formed a small circle and held hands. I started praying out loud that our son would come home. I didn’t hear the front door open, but I became aware halfway through the prayer that Sam was standing in front of me. He hugged me. I said, “You’ve done the right thing. Your parents aren’t perfect, but no parent ever loved a son more than we love you.” He turned and went to the bathroom to get ready for school. He had gone to a mate’s place and told him that I was very angry with him. The mate wanted to protect him. We rang the police and told them Sam was home. They wanted to know where he had been. On reflection, my wife and I learned a valuable lesson. There is only so much emotional pressure a child can bear. Two parents should never be angry at the same time. One should always be the ‘good guy’. We also learned that God answers prayers – sometimes dramatically. It was as if God had thrown Sam through the door while I was praying. The whole family is closer because of it, and it has also drawn us a lot closer to the emotional nightmare that people go through when someone they love disappears. Ours was a short-term black hole. For those whose loved ones have not returned it must be an almost never ending black chasm. My little sister, Katya and I grew up with our parents in the Ukraine. When World War II broke out, our young family was transferred to a number of camps, living life in the middle of great poverty and much confusion. Poor conditions at the camps took a terrible toll on our parents, as their health slowly deteriorated and they passed away. This left Katya and me alone to fend for ourselves. Yet, upon being discovered by authorities, we were separated, destroying the single-family connection we had left. I was shipped to Australia while my sister to Russia. We were forced to leave in great haste and did not know where we were going – we therefore had no way to maintain contact with each other. Arriving in Australia I had great difficulty in settling into my new home. Not only was it foreign and peculiar but I was also alone. I could not speak the local language and did not know anyone in Australia. I always thought about little Katya, and wondered whether she was well. But I had no way to contact her. I managed to slowly pick up a few English words and gradually settled into a new life in Australia. I found a place to live and was fortunate enough to be offered employment. Although I developed many friendships I never married and continued to live alone. Yet, thoughts of Katya still passed through my mind. Now an elderly man I thought a lot about my sister. I wondered whether she was alive and what her life was like. I decided to try to locate her and contacted the Australian Red Cross for assistance. Over several months I met with staff of the Australian Red Cross and made many telephone calls to people overseas who might have answers. Finally, my hopes were realised and Katya was found. Katya, now an elderly woman, still lives in Russia. Unlike me, she had married young and had a large family. In fact, she now has grandchildren and is affectionately known as Babushka by her family. We were both overwhelmed with joy to find each other. We finally knew the whereabouts of the person we were forced to leave so many years ago. While we were both keen to write letters to each other there remained one problem – I did not speak Russian, and my sister did not speak English. To overcome this problem the Australian Red Cross got the help of translators who were able to communicate between Katya and me. Today, Katya and I continue to write to each other with the help of translators. We have learned a lot about each other and have found comfort knowing that we are both safe and well. As a young man I lived with my family in a small village in the nation of Sierra Leone. Although my family was poor and our farm had been stricken by drought the village provided a life that was rich in love and support. Family life was very important to us, and it was vital to be part of the local community. However, our close-knit community was destroyed late one evening when rebels invaded the village burning everything in sight. In desperation, the whole village fled into the dark fields in the hope to save ourselves. When morning broke I found myself alone. I had no idea where my family or the other villagers were. I decided to go in search of my loved ones by foot. But my efforts were unsuccessful. I didn’t come across anyone from the village. I then decided to make my way to Guinea as it was a relatively safer place than Sierra Leone. While in Guinea I lived in a number of refugee camps. Still hopeful of seeing my family I walked from camp to camp, hoping that my family had made a similar journey to Guinea. But I couldn’t find them. I thought about settling in a country that offered a future, both for myself and my family – once they were found. So I applied for refugee status in Australia. Although a long process my efforts were successful. I was ecstatic that I would be able to live in a land that offered freedom, opportunity, and a wealth of resources. And in time I hoped my family could join me. After several months of living in Australia my happiness suddenly crashed.
I came to realise that my life was much harder than I could have imagined;
the Australian lifestyle was so different to anything I had previously
known. There was a new language to learn and new ways of living to get
used to; and worst of all, I was so alone. I had no family to surround
me and no villagers to support me. It also seemed that the people who were
around me were scared. They stared at me and gave me unusual looks. They
did not talk to me, making me feel different and out of place. I missed
my family so much; I wondered whether they were alive, and if so, where
they were living. I also experienced a lot of guilt. My mind was weighed
down with questions about why I was so lucky to have made it to Australia
while my loved ones were still experiencing hardship. As it stands today, I still do not know the whereabouts of my family. Yet, I have not lost all hope. Over the years I have met a number of other people from Sierra Leone who share similar experiences. Some of these people have found their family members while others, like me, continue looking. But I have formed a close connection with the Sierra Leone community of Australia. I am part of church and social groups, and have many close friendships. It is these friendships that have offered me the support I need to cope with my loss. Bernadette and I grew up with our parents in Bulgaria. As young girls we were very close. We looked after one another and shared our hopes and dreams. As we grew older I decided to settle in another country and moved to Australia in search of a better future. But this did not stop Bernadette and me from keeping in contact with each other. We would regularly write to each other with news from a far away land. As we grew into our senior years I became really worried as I had not heard from my younger sister for several months. I did not know what to do and became very anxious. Then a friend suggested that I contact the Australian Red Cross and ask for some help. So I met with some staff members to talk about my worries. After a couple of months the Australian Red Cross was able to locate Bernadette. Bernadette had moved to another European country and thought that she had told me of her new address – but this was not the case. This news has brought me so much relief. Although seemingly different these stories tell a similar tale. In the face of adversity, confusion, and doubt, these people survived. However, those who are from diverse cultures may find additional variations in their experiences. I can clearly remember what it was like when my son, Jason, was missing. Even though it’s many years ago now, I remember it like yesterday. Jason was a charming, kind-hearted young man, filled with creativity, and zest for life and people. He was a frequent and colourful communicator. But he was also known for his erratic behaviour. Jason had a mental health issue and was, at times, unreliable. There were times when he did not appear at family celebrations. At a birthday dinner given for me at a restaurant, he had sent a polite note to the host saying he was declining because he was going away for a short break. He signed the letter, “Yours peacefully, Jason”. A couple of weeks later, Jason did not appear at a Father’s Day luncheon. His beloved grandfather was at that luncheon, and Jason had always looked forward to seeing and talking to Grandad. We later learned that Jason also failed to keep a legal appointment that week. Some time after Father’s Day it was realised that no family member or friend had seen or heard from Jason for many weeks. Neither had he drawn his dole cheque during this time. A family member urged my sons and me to go to the police to register Jason as a missing person. We did this immediately. The period of time that followed was the worst I have ever experienced. Despite being a strong-willed, hard-working, professional woman, as well as a single mother, I found the stress and anguish of Jason’s disappearance the most difficult challenge ever. His unexplained absence cannot compare with other experiences I have faced including pain, disability, poverty and bereavement. Not knowing is the hardest thing to live with. My hopes would rise and fall like a yoyo. My imagination worked overtime. I imagined the worst, rarely the best. I lived by the telephone in anticipation of news. I became reluctant to leave the phone – even to have a shower. And every time the telephone rang, my heart would miss a beat. “Was it news about Jason, or perhaps Jason, himself, phoning?” This was in the days before answering machines and voice mail. I can also remember with crystal clarity the black day I learnt that Jason was dead. Our handsome, well-spoken, charismatic Jason was no more. Upon learning about his death we planned a funeral. This helped our journey of mourning and grieving. Although this mourning process was painful, it had a sense of normality about it. I don’t believe it compares to the pain of not knowing the whereabouts of a loved one. Having experienced the sudden disappearance of a loved one I can see the way it has affected my life. Although the experience has brought a lot of hardship it has also made me value life more. I don’t worry about trivia in relationships, and I am now able to help other people who are also missing a loved one. Marisa has shown that, in the face of adversity, confusion, and doubt, she survived. However, those who are from diverse cultures may find other differences in their experiences. I was born in China and immigrated to Australia in 1986, I came here alone and Peter was the first person I met when I arrived in Sydney . We started a relationship and I lived with him for a short period. Two years later I was pregnant with my daughter, Melanie, but my relationship with Peter ended because he met another woman. I had a difficult time raising Melanie because of my language barriers and because I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when Melanie was only 3 years old. When Melanie started school she learned English very quickly and in time we spoke less and less because of my difficulties with English and Melanie's difficulties in understanding the traditional Chinese ways in which I lived. When Melanie started high school she became very difficult to handle and would sometimes not come home for days I reported her missing to the Police but she always came home after a short while. When my daughter was 14 she ran away from home for the last time, she did not tell me where she was going. I had no idea who to talk to and felt very isolated, my mental illness worsened and I felt that no one understood what it was like to have a daughter missing. My anxieties intensified because of my lack of understanding about government agencies and how they worked in Australia . I lost a lot of weight and stopped socialising with my friends - I did not feel that my life had any purpose. When my daughter first went missing I would stop young Asian girls on the street to see if they were Melanie but after the first two years I realised that she would have changed and I no longer knew who I was looking for. It saddened me that I was not there to watch her grow up and not be able to protect her from any sadness that she may have encountered. Three years later I found out that Melanie had run away to her father's house when she was 14 and that he had been cruel to her. My daughter now lives in foster care and does not wish to have contact with me. I feel very sad that my daughter does not want to see me as a mother it is hard to accept that Melanie is living somewhere else and has made a choice not to contact me. I don't know how to mend my relationship with her. I accept that she is no longer missing but to me she will always be missing because I do not have an address or telephone number for her. I dreamed of the day when I would be told that she had been found but I never prepared myself for the fact that she might not want to reunite with me I hope that one day she changes her mind and we can be a family again. My daughter, Olivia, was 19 when she went missing looking back now I think I could see the downward slide she took in the years leading to her disappearance but even if I had seen it I would never had expected that it would lead to this. Olivia was a bright, outspoken kid; she was always interested in learning new things and never had problems making friends. She had the capacity to get a bit down now and again but I just assumed it was just a phase, but maybe it wasn't. My husband got a job in rural NSW when Olivia was 16 and we decided that a few years in the country would be great as the kids were getting older and we thought that we mightn't have the opportunity to be together as a family for much longer. Olivia struggled in the country she hated her new school and hated being away from her friends, the shops, basically anything to do with the city she missed. I tried to reach her so many times but I felt that she was slipping away from me. I remember the first time she came home drug-affected, she was shouting and swearing and telling me what a horrible mother I was for taking her away from everything that made her happy. We tried to get help for Olivia she begrudgingly went along to some counselling appointments but her behaviour worsened and I worried that she might have been using heavier drugs or drinking more alcohol. She was out all the time and when she was home she was sullen and introverted. I rang every service to help me but they all said that Olivia was now a young woman and she had to ask for her own help it was so frustrating to watch her spirit disappear and, as a mother, feel like I couldn't do a thing about it. In the two years following the start of her drug use Olivia became more and more withdrawn. She moved out of home and into a house with 3 others I worried about these people as they were older and I thought that they looked like they used drugs. My husband and I decided to try and engage Olivia and suggested that we move back to the city Olivia refused to talk to us about anything so the only option was to stay in the country as we thought that if we lived near her we could, at the very least, keep an eye on her. The last time I saw Olivia we had a huge fight as she had come home and stolen some money from her older sister I begged her to get help, she was extremely paranoid and I was worried that the drug use coupled with her depression was stopping her from thinking clearly. I told her to get out and not come back until she had sought some help. That was the last time I saw her every day I regret how we parted that day. Four weeks later I bumped into one of Olivia's flatmates who said that he hadn't seen her for weeks and that she owed rent. I contacted everyone that she knew and I found out that no one had seen her for a month. My husband and I reported her missing to the Police but they haven't had any luck tracing her. Her bank account has remained untouched and her mobile phone hasn't been used. Everyday for me seems the same, I feel like I've become frozen to the time when she disappeared. I feel so guilty for the things I said to her and spend so much time daydreaming about a time when I might see her again. I replay that last time we saw each other over and over trying to understand why I acted like I did and trying to see if I missed any clues about her disappearance. We want to believe that Olivia just needs some time out but on the dark days we worry that she might have hurt herself or might be in trouble. We just don't know. I can't imagine how I'll live my life if I never know what happened to my daughter. I watch every young girl in the street hoping to bump into her, some days I think I've seen her only to realise that I haven't. Our life has stopped and each day is consumed with thoughts about Olivia we have to keep hoping because that's all we have to hold on to. As a nation, Australia is made up of many and varied cultures. If you are missing a loved one, and you are from another culture, you may have further concerns. In addition to the fears and anxieties that surround the disappearance of your loved one, you may also fear the authorities involved in the search, like police and welfare organisations. Social or political reasons may mean that you try to avoid contact with these authorities rather than approach them for assistance. Additionally, you may not be aware of the support services available to you. Cultural and language barriers may isolate you from mainstream organisations, and thus worsen your mental health issues. There are community organisations that are particularly sensitive to the needs and concerns of those from other cultures. These organisations, some of which are listed in Chapters Six-Ten, can serve as an important link between you and the police and welfare organisations that are searching for your missing loved one. Please contact these community organisations as they may make your personal journey more manageable. This chapter has explored some of the common experiences described by family members and friends of missing persons. You may have identified with some of these while others perhaps were of little relevance to your personal situation. This again demonstrates that people who are missing a loved one respond quite differently to the same situation. To help you identify and better understand your own experiences you may find it helpful to use the following exercise. This is not a quiz and there is no scoring system. It is a simple exercise to help you identify how you may be feeling. Tick all the following boxes that might apply to you at this moment. Once you have done this you might like to discuss how you are feeling with someone you feel comfortable with, like a mental health service provider, a family member or a friend. It is particularly important to do this if you are feeling snowed under by your feelings. How Do I Feel Today?
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