Someone is Missing - The Reunion

Chapter 4. The Reunion

Of the thousands of people reported missing in Australia each year it is hopeful to know that most are located . But just as the disappearance of a loved can give rise to intense and mixed emotions so too can finding the person.

This chapter explores some of the issues surrounding both short-term and long-term disappearances. It commences by discussing the possible issues that arise when a loved one is found. It then examines the implications often associated with long-term cases of missing persons. For further information you may also like to visit www.missingpersons.org.au

4.1. The Discovery

Often within a month from the time of disappearance most missing persons are found. Typically they are found, not because of the tireless search efforts of others, but because they return home or contact family members and friends. This can be a joyous time providing much needed relief to those who were desperately searching for the person.

Yet, paradoxically, this can also be a time filled with tension. Amid the happiness and joy can be many other emotions – some of which are negative. Often these emotions are unexpected leaving family members, friends, and the missing person unsure of how to handle the situation .

4.1.1. Reuniting With the Missing Person

When a loved one is discovered to be live and well much joy and relief is brought to anxious family members and friends. Yet, many discover that a number of issues surface and create friction within relationships – particularly those between the missing person and their family members and friends:

“After many years of separation, the process of reconciliation can be very emotional and psychologically traumatic… We are often made aware in the media of joyous reunions established after many years of separation. Yet, often the picture is not so rosy when missing persons attempt to reconcile with their families and friends” .

Understandably, family members and friends have an array of questions they would like answered. Many ask, “Why did the person go missing, and will it happen again?” The uncertainty of possible disappearances in the future places strain on relationships. This can leave family members and friends feeling as though they are continually walking on eggshells, cautious that their comments or behaviours might cause the next disappearance:

“One caller to the Helpline, for instance, whose spouse was experiencing personal difficulties was afraid that this person would go missing as a way of dealing with these difficulties. On enquiry, it turned out that that spouse had gone missing on a previous occasion ten years before. The impact of this event had been so significant for the caller that it was her major fear when, ten years on, problems recurred. An event of going missing can be so traumatic that it conditions continuing relationships in the family” .

This problem is further exacerbated if the missing person uses emotional blackmail to satisfy their own needs. They may threaten to leave again if they do not get their own way.

Another source of tension is the expectation that life can go back to normal. Following the reunion between the missing person, family members, and friends, some believe that life can continue as it did before the disappearance. However, people change – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.

It is important to recognise that while the missing person was absent they changed. Maybe they have different personality attributes, different likes and dislikes, or different aspirations. There is also the possibility that, while they were absent, they did things they normally would not do – perhaps they engaged in some acts of street crime to help them survive as a missing person. This can be difficult for family members and friends to come to terms with.

By the same token, the family members and friends left behind also changed while the missing person was absent. Although they may be subtle they are still changes nevertheless.

Collectively, these changes can make it difficult to continue life as it was before the missing person disappeared. This is particularly the case if the missing person was absent for a long period.

There is no single strategy to strengthen relationships between the missing person, their family members, and their friends. However, the assistance of a mental health service provider may be helpful to facilitate this process . The guidance of an experienced practitioner can ease the journey of reunification.

However, even before a missing person is found, family members and friends can create an environment that will aid reunification should their loved one be discovered to be live and well. By continuing to lead a quality life family members and friends create an atmosphere that fosters improved relationships:

“Young people speaking of their experiences who have been reunited with their families… emphasise… that reunification with other family members is a much easier transition if the family members have led a quality life during the ‘missing period’. Their experience indicates that reunification is much harder if family members have been unable to reach a level of emotional maturity during the period of missing” .

4.1.2. Continued Absence

Although a missing person may be found live and well this is not always cause for celebration. Much to the dismay and disappointment of family members and friends sometimes missing persons decide to maintain their absence. They may not wish to be reunited with their family members and friends, or even have contact with them.

There are many reasons why a missing person wittingly decides to remain missing. There may be family conflict, or the individual may fear how family members and friends will react to news of an unplanned pregnancy, or the individual’s homosexual tendencies. These concerns may be real or imagined. Nevertheless, they are important to the missing person and might be the cause of their continued absence.

This can be quite traumatic for the family members and friends. While they might be relieved that their loved one is live and well they are left to consider why the missing person has decided to remain missing.

It can be very difficult to make sense of this situation. Some family members and friends become quite preoccupied, if not obsessed with the situation, blaming themselves for what has happened.

Although such preoccupation is understandable it becomes problematic when it inhibits daily living. You may find it hard to concentrate on anything else for your thoughts always seem to be elsewhere. You might also be highly critical of yourself, have intense feelings of anger and sadness, or have a negative self-image. If you think you may be experiencing these it is important to discuss your concerns with your General Practitioner or a mental health service provider.

4.1.3. The Unexpected

Sometimes the discovery of a missing loved one is not always favourable. Family members and friends may be notified by police that the missing person is deceased. This can give rise to a mixture of both negative and positive emotions.

There may be feelings of relief for the search is over. The anxiety has subsided and there is a sense of peace. Family members and friends may feel able to seek closure for they now have the opportunity to formally farewell their loved one.

At the same time there may be feelings of grief and loss, for family members and friends now mourn the loss of their loved one with greater certainty. They are also saddened and disappointed that their search efforts did not end with a better discovery – one that would reunite them with their loved one.

Accompanying these feelings is often a sense of bewilderment and confusion. With the news that their loved one is deceased, family members and friends have a limited opportunity to learn about the circumstances that led up to the missing person’s absence. Often they are left wondering about the possible answers to their many questions.

As mentioned in the preceding section, preoccupation with unanswered questions can stifle daily living. The ability to concentrate and carry out responsibilities may be hindered. To reduce the negative impact of preoccupied thoughts on lifestyle it is important to discuss concerns with a General Practitioner or mental health service provider.

4.2. The Long Wait

“The absent are always present” .

Although the majority of missing persons are located , a number are not. Many family members and friends have waited years, and continue to wait, for news of their loved one. They go on with their daily lives while never losing sight of a possible reunion:

“Old relationships do not simply disappear” .

The journey travelled by these family members and friends often becomes more manageable in time. Yet, it is still a difficult path. Emotions can continue to fluctuate indefinitely, akin to a turbulent roller coaster ride. This is because the experience of loss remains uncertain and lacks clarity.

Although reported sightings of the missing person can bring hope to family members and friends, the reports can also “rekindle a grief that was beginning to heal” . This in turn can intensify the swing of the emotional pendulum which swings between feelings of hope or contentment, and feelings of despair.

It is important to recognise that this is a normal part of the journey travelled by the family members and friends of missing persons. Unfortunately, though there is no quick solution – “people must find their own way out of the ambiguity” . However, with the support and guidance of an experienced mental health service provider the emotional swings can become more manageable.

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